Here is my 100 page humor book.
Please follow this link and order your copy
from the Publisher...Dan Miller
or Call to Order: 941.922.5954
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My Mother Taught Me...
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me about RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet!"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why!"
My mother taught me about LOGIC # 2 -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me about FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, just in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!"
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there until that spinach is finished!"
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks like a tornado went through your room!"
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you -would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are a million less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just WAIT until we get home!"
My mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to stay that way!"
My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me!"
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about SEX -
"How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father!"
My mother taught me about MY ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids... And I hope they turn out just like you!"
Blonde Jokes
What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
What do smart Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, daddy ... doughnut seeds.
Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the eleven on the phone!
What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh, look at the dead bird."
The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool
Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
Santa Claus
"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus."
It is truly heartwarming to know that millions of people around the world believe in Santa. Sure, most are under four feet tall, but still it’s amazing that so many believe in the big guy in the red suit. Consider the following:
Around the globe, today, live approximately two billion children (persons under 18). Santa doesn’t visit all of them, of course. Subtracting the number of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children reduces Santa’s Christmas Eve workload to 15 percent of the total, or 378 million children (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, and presuming that there is at least one good child in each home, Santa must visit about 108 million homes.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. That means that at each household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh, and get on to the next house.
For the purposes of our calculations we will assume that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false). We’re talking about a trip of 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. To cover that ground in 31 hours, Santa’s sleigh moves at 650 miles per second—3,000 times the speed of sound. By comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh must carry over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. In air, even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with a mere eight or nine of them—Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
Six hundred thousand tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance—this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g’s. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Where to Take It from Here...
Considering all this, it’s amazing that some children (and even a few adults) have no problem believing in Santa. By comparison, the story of the little baby in the manger is relatively easy to believe. The life of Jesus Christ is a fact, recorded not only by biblical writers but by secular historians as well. Some historians declare that there is more evidence for the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ than there is evidence that Julius Caesar ever lived at all.
Even in the face of the written testimony of eyewitnesses, many people refuse to believe in Jesus. They consider him nothing more than a myth. But for those willing to believe with child-like faith, Jesus promises an inheritance of the Kingdom of God. (Mark 10:15)
The Drive Home
A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its flashers on in his rear view mirror. He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored it and the race was on.
The cars were racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured "What the heck," gave up, and pulled over to the curb.
The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car. He leaned down and said, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
The officer let him go.
The Wonders of Politics - Explained by a Man With Two Cows
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shuei is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
MILITANT FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there’s like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Ain’t That Just Like Life
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Sony Walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" ; Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett ; Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Information You'll Need Somtime…
In Cleveland, Ohio, it’s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
Dr. Seuss coined the word “nerd” in his 1950 book “If I Ran the Zoo”
The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
It’s possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don’t have pigment in the palms of their hands (Perhaps that’s because we’re not primates :-).
Ten percent of the Russian government’s income comes from the sale of vodka.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world’s nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.
Elephants can’t jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
According to one study, 24% of Iowans have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard.
How the tax code works, in layman's terms (Jan. 2003)
Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day ten men go out for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this.
The first four men -- the poorest -- would pay nothing; the fifth would pay $1, the sixth would pay $3, the seventh $7, the eighth $12, the ninth $18, and the tenth man -- the richest -- would pay $59.
That's what they decided to do. The ten men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement -- until one day; the owner threw them a curve (in tax language a tax cut).
'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20.' So now dinner for the ten only cost $80.00.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still eat for free. But what about the other six -- the paying customers? How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share'?
The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being PAID to eat their meal. So the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12, leaving the tenth man with bill of $52 instead of his earlier $59. Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to eat for free.
But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. 'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man, pointing to the tenth. 'But he got $7!'. 'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man, 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times more than me!'.
'That's true!' shouted the seventh man, 'why should he get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!'. 'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison, 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered, a little late what was very important. They were FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS short of paying the bill!
Imagine that!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college instructors, is how the tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table anymore.
Where would that leave the rest? Unfortunately, most taxing authorities anywhere cannot seem to grasp this rather straight-forward logic.
Einstein's Quiz
This quiz written by Einstein in the last century. He said that 98% of the people in the world cannot solve the quiz. Are you among the other 2% who can?
Facts:
1. There are 5 houses in 5 different colors.
2. In each house lives a person with a different nationality.
3. These 5 owners drink a certain beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar and keep a certain pet.
4. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same drink. Hints:
1. The British man lives in the red house.
2. The Swedish man keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dan drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the left of the white house.
5. The green house owner drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the house right in the center drinks milk.
9. The Norweigian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blend lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12. The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the Blue house.
15. The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water.
The question is: Who keeps fish ? ? ?
Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: ‘What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?’
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
‘Absolutely,’ said the professor. ‘In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello’.
I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
Only In America...
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
The Result of Liberal Policies
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN AMERICAN VERSION........
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's not easy being green".
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's".
Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursdays between 1:30 and 3 pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
Solve the Puzzles
Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer. Example:
LAW SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles
1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)
2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (fictional character)
3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)
4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)
5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)
6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (product)
7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)
8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)
9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)
10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)
11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)
12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)
13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)
14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)
15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)
Too Much Government
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.
Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.
I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,"Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know themost important thing is that you're together.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs are good with kids.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs do not read at the table.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Dogs don't correct your stories.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs look at your eyes.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs take care of their own needs.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
Why Men Are Better Than Dogs
Men only have two feet that track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them
around the block.
Men don't eat Cat poopies on the sly.
Men open their own cans.
Men don't have dog breath ALL the time.
Holiday Inns accept men.
Why Dogs Are Better Than Wives
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call them when you're running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger than a lobster dinner.
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to leave 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want a foot rub.
Dogs cant talk.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Things You'd Rather Not Hear During Surgery
- Better save that. We may need it for the autopsy.
- Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop.
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!!
- Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie.
- Oh, no. I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. An, this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back--I lost my contact lens.
- Could you stop that thing from thumping; it's throwing my concentration off.
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses...
- Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
The Goat
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
The Densa Quiz
Mensa is an organization of people who are very, very intelligent....genius types so to speak, who have banded together to interact between themselves so that they can be understood by somebody. In order to get into Mensa, one needs to take and pass their entrance examination. Well as luck has it I have come across a test for another similar organization called Densa. The Densa organization is well, you figure it out....... Now, I know that the people on this distribution list would like to take the Mensa test, but I do not have that one....instead try the Densa quiz and see how you rate!!
How smart are you really???? Take this quiz, if you dare, and see!
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes or No
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? Yes or No
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'’ tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
***************************************
DON’T READ ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU’VE ANSWERED
ALL THE ABOVE QUESTIONS! Answers Below.
***************************************
THE DENSA TEST: YOUR EVALUATION
1. Is there a fourth of July in England?
Yes, it comes after the third of July!
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
Just one!
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
12 - all of them have at least 28 days!
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
6 - three per team!
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister?
No - because he is dead!
6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
70. (30 divided by 2 equals 15, but 30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)
7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
2 - you just took them, remember?
8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last? 60. Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
If 8 out of 17 die, all but 9 die, eh?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
Moses didn’t have an ark, Noah did!
11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'’ tall. What does he weigh?
Meat. A butcher weighs meat!
12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
12 - There are 12 - 2 cent stamps in a dozen!
Add Your Score! * 12 - Genius
* 10-11 - Above Normal
* 7-9 - Normal
* 4-6 - Slow
* 1-3 - Idiot
* 0 - Brain dead
Great Truths About Life
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
More Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy
*** When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
*** It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
*** I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?"
*** Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
*** Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me, then it wouldn't be so funny.
*** If you're a horse and someone gets on you and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
European Union Agreement
The European Union Commissioners have announced that the agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c.”
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve the news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f.”
This will make words like fotograf twenty persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e’s” in the language is disgrasful and they wil go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v.”
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou,” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis und evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru. Und yu vil lik it.
Top 10 Excuses for Missing Work
1. If it’s all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel really good about it.
3. My stigmata’s acting up.
4. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
5. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
6. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Lion Supermarket.
7. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
8. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
9. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
10. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday. I was able to exit the loop while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Sarasota Herald Tribune. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
Good Ol' Fred
Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
A Star Trek Future Will Never Work
There are so many Star Trek spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into accoun the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Transporter
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life.
There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls.
I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage. I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Phasers
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach.
I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction.
If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long. I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and scare all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
Shields
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Rats!
Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . .. erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
Yo Mama Is So Fat...
with apologies to Yo Mama....
Yo mama’s so fat, When she dances she makes the band skip.
Yo mama’s so fat, When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
Yo mama’s so fat, She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Yo mama’s so fat, When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Yo mama’s so fat, Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo mama’s so fat, Her driver’s license says “Picture continued on other side.”
Yo mama’s so fat, The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
Yo mama’s so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mama’s so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama’s so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her..
Yo mama’s so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama’s so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama’s so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take his word for it!
Yo mama’s so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
Yo mama’s so fat, she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama’s so fat, her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
Tips - Martha Stewart Style...?
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning and illness enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. ( I LOVE THIS ONE )
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or kitchen knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your turn signals for you so that other motorists know where you're going.
SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently used up.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50 cents to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog poopie into the bath.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. Just tell the interviewer that you wish to find something more meaningful to do in life now that you've made your fortune.
17 Things Only Smart People with Understand
1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
3. 3 Logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do you all want a drink?”
first logician says “I don’t know”
second logician says “I don’t know”
the third logician says “Yes!”
4. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician says “this is pointless” and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way our “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?” To which the engineer replied, “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes”
5. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two finger, and says “Five Beers Please”
6. Another Roman walks into a bar, and asked for a Martinus. The bartender replied “You mean a Martini?” The Roman says “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
7. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asked impatiently “So, is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies “Yes”
8. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream, How about with no milk?”
9. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
10. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, the phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!”
11. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
12. A buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.
13. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
14. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
15. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “we don’t server Higgs Bosons in here”. The Higgs Boson then replies “But without me, how could you have mass?”
16. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
17. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
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